Really...I mean, REALLY?

I really feel for the spelling bee announcer in this video.  I mean really, she isn't that hard to understand.  She speaks perfectly clear a few dozen times.  Seriously, what is the deal kid?  Clean the gunk out of your ears and listen.  At first I thought he was kidding.  Maybe it was an Onion video that made fun of situations like this, but nope, it was real.  You can see the relief in his eyes when he finally realizes what word it was that he was to spell.  He spells it easily and then sits back down.  That feeling and look he has at the end is what teachers commonly refer to as an "ah-ha" moment.  That moment where after a certain amount of time a child finally "gets it."  You hear about this moment when you go through school and you are told that it is the greatest feeling you can have as a teacher.  That feeling you have that after so many hours of planning and working (sometimes with just this student in mind or at hand) you get when everything comes together in the child's mind and then they understand everything.  That is the coveted and prized award that teachers get for working harder than they are paid for.  "That's why we do it" I've heard, "That's when everything you sacrificed becomes worth it."

What happens when they don't get it though?  What if you work harder than you ever had, sacrificing your time to make an impact on students, and then nothing happens?  What is the opposite feeling of relief and success?  Let me tell you, because I've been feeling it for the last month. A few feelings come to mind, but these are the ones that I feel the deepest: depression, sadness, and failure.  They don't tell you about that in school.  Let me tell you why I've been feeling this lately. 

For the last month and a half I've been spending an hour after school tutoring my really low kids in math.  Once a week I have my class take a skills test on math concepts we've already learned this year and then I take the lowest scoring students and then break them into 2 groups that I meet with after school for a half hour each.  I originally thought I was going to cure their math woes because I had more time to help them.  I spent the first week with them and felt that they understood everything.  I gave them the same test and then I compared the scores.  To my surprise, to my utter astonishment, most of them did a point or two better, a couple really aced it, and then a couple did worse.  WORSE! How does this happen?  They were fine when we talked about each skill individually, but put it all onto one test and they act like they've never seen it before.  I mean...REALLY!?

Well, I'm sure the month of March has something to do with these feelings I've been having.  March is the longest month of the school year because we get no breaks and the month right before we really gear up for end of level tests.  Really, it's the last month that we can teach everything that needs to be taught before we start testing and preparing for the tests.  When I try to help my students and I see that anything I try to do so they can get help and get better isn't working, I tend to feel bad.  I feel incompetent as a teacher.  Even more so, I feel bad for the students that continually lag behind in every subject even after teachers have put in extra time with them.  When will they get it? Will they ever get it? How will this effect their life? Well, I'm not going to worry about that right now because SPRING BREAK HAS ARRIVED!  I really need this because as the song says, "You'll lose the blues in CHICAGO."

"Now is the winter of (my) discontent"

I wish I felt like this everyday.  I think I saw my brother like this just the other day which I'll talk about later.

The first few months of teaching are done and as I use this time to reflect on my life and on teaching I think to myself, "What have I accomplished?" Well, I started my Master's program and am happy to say that I have successfully completed my first term with straight A's.  I was lucky to have met and worked with some great people who really helped me during finals.  I couldn't have done it without them. I have been able to take my kids to a few different plays including The Nutcracker, A Christmas Carol, and the Pickleville Playhouse Christmas play.  They've really enjoyed each of the events and it's really made me wish I did my theater club with the kids.  There are some talented actresses in my class.

The first part of December I started working on a movie project for the school.  Our music teacher quit unexpectedly and our Christmas program was in disarray so I volunteered my video skills to make a video involving the whole school.  I pretty much ripped off my brothers movie he did 6 years ago, but it worked out.  We showed it on Friday and we got some good reviews so I'm happy about that.  Turns out when you're teaching full-time, going to school full-time, and making a movie with any spare time you start to get tired and don't have time for much else.  Well, I actually had a little time to think about my career and where I want to go from here.

A major event happened in my brother's life that got me thinking about my life.  He started getting very frustrated with his 4th grade teaching job and was committed to finding another job by the end of the year.  He applied for a job at the hospital in November and he got the job on the 19th of December.  He told his kids and the district two days before school got out for winter break that he was done.  He had to pay a thousand dollars because he broke his contract agreement, but he didn't mind that.  He was happier than I had ever seen him.

Here is a man that taught computers for 10 years, was named district employee of the year once and school employee of the year twice.  He started a lot of great activities and programs in the school that we still use today and he's helped me be a better teacher as well.  He left teaching for a few years to go back to school and became a full time teacher.  It only took him a year and a half to say, "I'm done."   During his teaching years he has gained over a hundred pounds, been put on 3 different anxiety medicines, gone in debt several times, and now has diabetes.  He was in good shape before he started teaching (and I don't blame all of this on teaching, but I'm sure it contributes.) 

I looked at myself and saw that I was heading in the same direction.  I know every job has its stressful situations, but I feel teaching is multiplied by the number of students you have.  This year I have 35, so everything I've dealt with before is now doubled compared to previous years.  I wanted to get into teaching so I could teach and inspire my students, but more often than not I'm spending my time with behavior management and grading.  I love teaching, but I hate that stuff.  As I reflect on the toll that teaching has taken on me I can think of a few things that have happened recently in life. Firstly, I've gained about 25 pounds since teaching full-time.  That's about 10 pounds a year (catching up to my brother).  I haven't started any anxiety medication, but I'm sure I could use it.  I'm not completely in debt, but I've spent a lot of money on my classroom doing things that I wanted to do like taking kids to plays, doing auctions with our money system, and buying books and other things for the classroom.

I think the thing that teaching has had the biggest impact on is my social life.  I don't do much after school except lesson plans, napping, or exercising.  I'm so drained everyday it's hard for me to come home and have enough energy to hang out with friends.  I just want to come home and relax.  More so, I think my dating life has really suffered.  Usually I'll ask a girl out and not be able to ask her out for another month.  By the time I ask her out again, she might be engaged.  Seriously, this has happened.  This last year I really liked a girl, but the only problem was she lived in Salt Lake City.  I'd try to travel down on the weekends and do something with her, but schedules never completely aligned.  She is a teacher too and was in charge of putting on theater and choir productions which required a lot of time.

I enjoyed my time with her, but we never had time for each other because we were too focused on our careers.  I even applied for some jobs in SLC and was offered one, but decided not to take it because the school environment was completely different from the school I came from.  I know that when you switch jobs there is always going to be a lot of change, but you usually don't have to think of the demographics of the people you're working for, or their parents.  You usually don't have to worry about supplies like computers or iPads for your class as well.  It was just impossible for me to take the job knowing I wasn't going to be as effective as I had been in Logan.  Maybe I over think things, but switching jobs for me isn't an easy decision, even if there is a wonderful girl involved.  I think about that situation often and try to rework it in my head to think of what I could do to make it work out, but the answer that comes back again and again is that it won't work out as long as I teach.  At least that's what I tell myself. 

The hardest news to take is that I actually applied for the same job as my brother, but didn't notice the email they had sent me asking me to call them until two weeks after.  When he got the job I started thinking about my life and how different it would be if I had been given the job.  Maybe things could still work out with the girl.  How nice it would be to come home and not have to worry about lesson plans, grading papers, or meeting with parents.  The joy of taking a sick day and not have to plan a lesson at 4 in the morning.  Also, how nice would it be to be able to take care of a family and actually be able to spend time with them.  Teaching comes with a hefty price tag. How much more am I willing to pay for it?  Just ramblings for my online journal.

"What makes you itch?"

Watch the video...nuff said.

Three is the Magic Number

Well....I'm now starting my 3rd year.  Who would've thought that I'd be in this position? The old me wouldn't question this, but the current me almost quit 1 week before school started.  Let me tell you why that almost happened.  I got hired back on at the same school and am now teaching 4th grade again.  I was excited for the move back to fourth grade and was excited for the class I was getting.  I really do have a great group of kids for the most part.  There will always be those students that make things difficult or make you wish corporal punishment was reinstated in the schools, but I'm content with the the class I have.  Here's why I wanted to get out of teaching.

Firstly, I'm now teaching 35 kids in my class.  I know that may not seem like many compared to the upper grades, but it is 11 more than I've ever had and it is a hard adjustment.  I'm finding out very quickly that I have had to change quite a bit about how my class operates.  I was also looking for work elsewhere because I felt like I needed a move.  The only problem is that I love my school, my classroom, and the area in which I teach.  The hard part is finding a place that compares and has the same types of programs I'm used to using.  This made it hard for me to accept in job in SLC this summer that sounded okay, but in the end I didn't want to give up everything I have here.  On top of all of that I decided to go back to school to get my Master's in Instructional Technology. 

I feel overwhelmed to say the least and it's going alright...so far.  My biggest regret is not having enough time to direct my theater club.  I have a lot of great kids this year that I think would be awesome and really benefit from it.  Last year I saw two students really come out of their shells as they started to perform.  One of them turned out to be one of my favorites.  The bonus to teaching this year (besides the fact that we have changed most of our curriculum, including our 3rd math program in 3 years) is I feel more comfortable with knowing what I have to teach.  I understand what needs to be taught and how it needs to be taught for the most part. 

It seems like I really enjoy teaching and I'm feeling more comfortable with it, but the question remains "Why do I still want to change jobs?"  My brother is in his second year and he wants to quit too.  I've come up with a few reasons and those will come in due time.  Right now I'm listening to the Education Nation on NBC and a lot of thoughts are going through my head and I'll probably get on my soapbox about them later.  They are discussing a lot of things that I disagree with and I'm starting to get sick and tired of the rhetoric.  When and how are we going to make real change in education happen?  This whole post has been nonsense...oh well.

The Most Astounding Fact

I love Neil Degrasse Tyson.  I only have known him for about a year, but his thoughts have really impacted the way I look at space and life in general. I just visited Washington D.C. and I had quite the realization while I was out there.  I was in awe of all of these young professionals making a name for themselves.  Most of the people I talked to had great jobs and were very intelligent people. Besides the fact that their wages were usually triple what I was making, they still were doing multiple side projects.  I heard everything from making applications for phones to starting non-profit organizations (My thoughts on non-profits will come later). 

As I visited Capitol Hill I was given a tour by a young intern from Utah.  He did a marvelous job and I really learned a lot from the experience. What really caught my attention was that these type of people were everywhere.  Not interns, but people trying to make a name for themselves.  Most of the people I talked to out there had only been out in D.C. for a short while and they were already planning on moving to another place in a few months. In my opinion, they moved out to D.C. to make a name for themselves.  They were looking for opportunities to show the world what they were made of and that they could make it big.  I suppose they probably got lost in the crowd since everyone out there is doing the same thing and decided they could do big things in another city that is less crowded.  As Mr. Tyson said, "You want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant, you want to feel like a participant."

I've always thought that I had more to give and that there is something bigger out there for me.  I suppose that there is, but as of this moment I'm not sure what that might be.  I always thought that moving to a bigger city would provide me more opportunities to make a name for myself and accomplish everything I had originally set out to accomplish.  I now know that the city doesn't make the man or the opportunities, especially in education.  Last year I had a student that failed their end of level tests BIG TIME.  This student hasn't been known to have any learning disabilities, but their scores were lower than my ESL students and my Resource student.  This one student has shown me that I still have a lot to work on before I qualify for a greater challenge.  I can't even handle the load I have now.

I've been looking forward to something big for so long that I forgot to look around my present conditions and ask myself how I might improve today.  My brother actually told me this over a 3 months ago as I was searching for jobs elsewhere.  Being the stubborn younger brother that I am I decided not to listen, but he was right. I need to focus on what I have now and only when I have that figured out should I move on to greater challenges. 

To take liberties with the video above, I feel so small compared to what others are doing or trying to do.  I live in a small town and teach at a small school, but I'm part of a bigger picture.  The same elements that make up my city and school are the same elements that make up bigger cities and bigger schools. I need to realize that what I do here has its roots in larger things. I have the same role as Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates. I'm sure they would've been just as great if they had taught in a small Wyoming town rather than Greece. No matter where I end up, the odds are I'm only going to be able to reach out to 30 or so children at a time.  I can't cheapen their education because they don't live in another city.  I'm here to level the playing ground for every child regardless of learning ability, parental income, or zip code.  I can still accomplish great things in small places. 

Confucius Says, "Make time for yourself."

I imagine that's where Dove gets their clever and wise advice from.  When I opened up my delicious treat yesterday there was not just one, but two chocolates with that saying engraved on it's tinfoil wrapper. Now the reason I mention this is because I'M DONE.  Well, I suppose the school year ended June 1st, but just now am I finally able to wrap my head around it.  My second year is in the bag and it was quite a year.  I moved up to 5th grade, started (and eventually discontinued) a new math program, and started my theater club.

I had a lot of ups, but probably more downs.  It was just a weird year as we started to integrate the common core into our curriculum along with thinking maps.  I know this is only my second year, but judging by the attitudes of other teachers I feel like we were asked to do a lot this year...and I anticipate it will get worse every year.  Teaching isn't what it used to be.  I feel like a lot of pressure has been put on us to solve the worlds problems while getting paid bottom dollar for it.

I never got into this profession for the money, or the accolades (because I'm smart enough to know neither will come.)  I did, however, get into teaching because I wanted to level the playing ground for all of the students that came into my room regardless of their income, status, gender, athletic or intellectual ability.  I can't say I've accomplished that and I'm happy to have a goal in my mind that I want to reach that may be unobtainable as long as it drives me.  The problem is that the only thing that is driving my teaching right now is data and district mandates. I felt like a robot that was programmed for a specific task, or like Will Ferrell's character on "Stranger Than Fiction" who just follows a routine. I wasn't allowed to stray for fear I might not accomplish district goals. 

I've felt the pressure all year of getting my numbers up.  Having to compete with other cities, schools, and teachers is very taxing.  I've really tried to be a better teacher this year than last year, but the numbers show that I'm stagnant.  I'm more or less the same teacher this year as I was last year.  I would go home and beat myself up about not being able to reach certain students every night.  What more can I do to reach everyone?  One quote that sticks in my mind comes from Rafe Esquith (yes, him again).  He once said that it is our job to make things equal in the classroom and give everyone the chance to be successful, but once given that opportunity the students need to produce.

I need to realize I can only do so much with each child.  Some students will never take the extra step to become successful.  I can only take them so far before they are responsible for their own growth. Now what does this have to do with my Dove chocolate? At the end of the year I sat with my class and asked them to honestly give me some feedback on what I can do to improve the class.  I was actually blown away by some of the advice they gave me.  A lot of it was stuff I knew I wanted to improve, but didn't know the kids had caught onto it.  There was one girl who said something that stuck more than the others.  She simply said, "Take some time for yourself.  Don't spend so much time on us, you deserve some time for yourself."

This was an eye opener that a small 11 year old girl would be able to notice something like that.  So this summer I'm taking some time for myself by doing all of the things that I have wanted to do, but never did because I was always concerned about one thing or another. This includes a lot of camping and backpacking that I've also set out to do, but never did.  I've applied this to more than just stuff I want to do this summer.  We'll see if any of those decisions bear fruit in the next few years, but I'm not going to tie myself down to something for safety and security.  This includes what district I work for, where I end up living, or what career I end up in.  I need to do what's best for me and I need to be willing to step outside my comfort zone to see what possibilities lie before me.

I want to have the feeling that I'm sure Andy and Red have at the end of "The Shawshank Redemption." Their path may not have been the most pleasant, but they end up happy because they are free men allowed to do what ever they want to do.  They didn't get that till they were much older in life, but I have the chance to do that now.  I often think 29 is too old to try something new, or to start all over, but I have all the time in the world compared to those two men.  I need to take advantage of my youth and blaze my own path instead of following others.   "The Readiness is All"

The Show Must Go On!

This past year I initiated a theater club for the 5th grade in my school.  I was really excited to start this club because I've wanted to do it ever since I discovered my hero/mentor Rafe Esquith.  After I stopped teaching music in 2006 I thought of a way to keep in contact with the kids that I enjoyed being around.  I started a theater club with the 5th graders that year and we met for an hour before school 3 days a week.  It went...okay. We went on a few great field trips and we read a lot of Shakespeare.  I knew how to start a theater club, I just didn't know how to end it. We ended that year without a performance and a lot of broken spirits.  I tried it again the next year with even more horrible results.

After I started teaching full time in 2010 the thought of having a theater club has always been in the back of my head.  Last June I went and saw a performance of the Hobart Shakespeareans in Los Angeles.  This is the class that Rafe Esquith teaches.  To see one of his performances has been a goal of mine ever since I read about him.  As I approached the gates of this school in the middle of Korea Town my heart started pumping much faster than normal.  Kids were there to greet us at the parking lot and lead us to the classroom.  I was in awe at how very nice and welcoming they were.

Rafe introduced the group and then took his seat on the side of the room.  He didn't do anything once the play started.  The students were in charge of everything that went on in the performance of Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."  That includes coming on and off stage, knowing when to come in on their songs (did i mention they all play instruments and sing rock n' roll songs to put in the play?), and when to start their dances and lines.  That night will forever be known as a defining moment in my life.

I came back from that trip with a strong resolve to start a theater club for the new school year.  I talked to the principal and set up the parameters for the club.  I started the club with 17 students and as the school year progressed it dwindled down to a meager seven.  I almost gave up on the club again, but then I put the power into the students' hands.  I asked them if they wanted to continue the club and then I put the responsibility on their shoulders.

As this post seems to be getting very long it will suffice it to say that they performed two weeks ago and it was AMAZING! I mean, wow. I didn't think they had it in them.  I realized that the other clubs I started didn't succeed because I was the only one bearing the responsibility of its success.  Lesson learned I suppose.  Here is a video they made for  nextvista.org where the video was a finalist for a contest.