I had a lot of ups, but probably more downs. It was just a weird year as we started to integrate the common core into our curriculum along with thinking maps. I know this is only my second year, but judging by the attitudes of other teachers I feel like we were asked to do a lot this year...and I anticipate it will get worse every year. Teaching isn't what it used to be. I feel like a lot of pressure has been put on us to solve the worlds problems while getting paid bottom dollar for it.
I never got into this profession for the money, or the accolades (because I'm smart enough to know neither will come.) I did, however, get into teaching because I wanted to level the playing ground for all of the students that came into my room regardless of their income, status, gender, athletic or intellectual ability. I can't say I've accomplished that and I'm happy to have a goal in my mind that I want to reach that may be unobtainable as long as it drives me. The problem is that the only thing that is driving my teaching right now is data and district mandates. I felt like a robot that was programmed for a specific task, or like Will Ferrell's character on "Stranger Than Fiction" who just follows a routine. I wasn't allowed to stray for fear I might not accomplish district goals.
I've felt the pressure all year of getting my numbers up. Having to compete with other cities, schools, and teachers is very taxing. I've really tried to be a better teacher this year than last year, but the numbers show that I'm stagnant. I'm more or less the same teacher this year as I was last year. I would go home and beat myself up about not being able to reach certain students every night. What more can I do to reach everyone? One quote that sticks in my mind comes from Rafe Esquith (yes, him again). He once said that it is our job to make things equal in the classroom and give everyone the chance to be successful, but once given that opportunity the students need to produce.
I need to realize I can only do so much with each child. Some students will never take the extra step to become successful. I can only take them so far before they are responsible for their own growth. Now what does this have to do with my Dove chocolate? At the end of the year I sat with my class and asked them to honestly give me some feedback on what I can do to improve the class. I was actually blown away by some of the advice they gave me. A lot of it was stuff I knew I wanted to improve, but didn't know the kids had caught onto it. There was one girl who said something that stuck more than the others. She simply said, "Take some time for yourself. Don't spend so much time on us, you deserve some time for yourself."
This was an eye opener that a small 11 year old girl would be able to notice something like that. So this summer I'm taking some time for myself by doing all of the things that I have wanted to do, but never did because I was always concerned about one thing or another. This includes a lot of camping and backpacking that I've also set out to do, but never did. I've applied this to more than just stuff I want to do this summer. We'll see if any of those decisions bear fruit in the next few years, but I'm not going to tie myself down to something for safety and security. This includes what district I work for, where I end up living, or what career I end up in. I need to do what's best for me and I need to be willing to step outside my comfort zone to see what possibilities lie before me.
I want to have the feeling that I'm sure Andy and Red have at the end of "The Shawshank Redemption." Their path may not have been the most pleasant, but they end up happy because they are free men allowed to do what ever they want to do. They didn't get that till they were much older in life, but I have the chance to do that now. I often think 29 is too old to try something new, or to start all over, but I have all the time in the world compared to those two men. I need to take advantage of my youth and blaze my own path instead of following others. "The Readiness is All"
